Terrors of My Third Relapse

Coming up on six months sober, again

My daughter and I cutting up in the car before her dance class. | Photo by Author.

As the title indicates, I am coming up on six months sober, following a harrowing relapse. You would think I got the message when I first quit drinking, but addiction doesn’t work that way. They always say things get worse with every relapse…boy were they right.

I realized I was an alcoholic many years ago. I sought help when things got bad, but not too bad. I originally sought help before I had a child. After my daughter was born, I started drinking again, then went back to AA to get back into recovery.

Things went great for a while, but I relapsed. I don’t know why. Some people get sober and stay sober on their first try. I didn’t. I don’t want to admit I’m a chronic relapser, but I am. The second time, I sought out Celebrate Recovery. It was effective and helpful, but for some reason, my addiction was stronger than me, and I relapsed again. This time, my husband had had enough and demanded a separation. Who can blame him?

We separated, and things got back to normal. We had a great co-parenting relationship, and my daughter doesn’t remember anything about the divorce or my drinking.

Round Three

I relapsed after two years, following an emotionally traumatic breakup from my long-term boyfriend, post-divorce. I cannot believe I let a man get me so down that I felt the need to pick up again…but I did. I let my emotions get the best of me and went back into my depressive state. As they told me, every relapse proved to have more consequences.

Consequences

I also got into legal trouble this time around. I couldn’t believe I let alcohol derail my life again. I gave up, felt like everyone was better off without me, and tried to end my life. Needless to say, I was pissed when I woke up, alive. It has taken some time to get me out of that depression. I still struggle with my lifelong depression. I’m trying to stay positive and have a great support system in place, although I still feel guilty that I almost left my daughter without a mother. I can’t go through that again, or put her or anyone else through it again.

I cried for weeks and could barely look at my daughter or her dad without crying. I felt like the biggest piece of shit, and believed I deserved no forgiveness. The pain I put my daughter and her dad through nearly killed me. I was a horrible mother and daughter. My mother has always been there for me. I let down my best friend, too. This relapse affected strangers as well. Even recently, I struggled with my desire to live. This last relapse did a number on me. The guilt of my actions consumed me.

And this time, my daughter saw me drunk and was old enough to be affected by it and remember it. And it scared her. She didn’t know what was wrong with me. My behavior was erratic, and I was cussing up a storm. I regret this so much. Again, my ex-husband had had enough. I’ve put my family through too much chaos. He almost took her away from me —I would have done the same — thank goodness he didn’t.

Light at the end of the tunnel

We share custody of our daughter like we did before. I don’t deserve his grace, but I’m so grateful he hasn’t given up on me for good. Same for my mother. She gave me another chance, too. I don’t think I deserve all these chances. I am very blessed that they forgave me, and grateful that my daughter has forgiven me. I can only do the next right thing to prove I am sorry and regain their trust.

I’m also grateful for my AA fellowship. They always welcome me back, without judgment. I write about my journey because it holds me accountable, and I hope my story helps someone else. It’s not easy exposing my demons.

I would love to say I won’t relapse again, but I can’t. Because I take it one day at a time, I can make no promises about tomorrow. I can only say that I will try my hardest not to relapse. I don’t think I can survive another relapse, and I know I will lose everything.

I will continue doing the next right thing.

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