Motherhood, Depression, and Recovery
Embracing my role as a mom and connecting with my child
Originally published in ‘The Maze’ on Medium.
I always tried to hide my depression from other people. I was always the jokester, funny, robust, silly one. Coworkers, friends, and acquaintances alike appreciated my sense of humor and quirky personality. I love to laugh, and I’ve often been told to calm down because I can get loud and carried away with my shenanigans.
But at the end of the day, once I was alone, sometimes the depression took over. I wasn’t happy or smiling. I was miserable and sad, living in a bottomless pit I couldn’t seem to get out of.
Down the well and into the bottomless pit
I felt like I was being smothered and shaking at the same time. Depression and anxiety are often felt at the same time. Feeling the heavy weight of depression and the tingling anxiety was sometimes debilitating.
I needed to catch my breath.
This was not the same depression as in my early teens and young adulthood.
Gripping and scratching the walls of the well that led so deep in this hole is so heavy that I can feel my fingernails breaking off as I try to climb up.
Because, no, this is NOT the same depression of my earlier days, because now I not only have to fight for myself, but I have a child who relies on me to be strong. I have to climb out of that dark hole to be present for my little girl.
Self-Medicating
Alcohol became my friend, my go-to. When I drank, it made me feel happy and carefree. I felt relaxed and didn’t think about my sadness or problems. It numbed me and helped me not feel the anguish. I don’t know why I was so depressed all my life. But once I discovered alcohol could give temporary relief, it grabbed me and owned me. Then I knew it wouldn’t be temporary.
Every day, I fight for my sobriety and mental health.
I can’t be that sad, depressed person anymore. I have to keep fighting, one day at a time, to be the mother my daughter needs. How can I be a good mother if I’m always crying and sad? Gratefully, she is a happy, intelligent, kind, and well-adjusted kid.
Although I am not a perfect mom, my daughter and I have a great bond and loving relationship. I try not to let my mental health issues get in the way of my parenting. But I’m only human. She is very understanding. I can only do my best to heal and be a better version of myself every day.
Every day is a new day to be sober and take control of my happiness. Life is hard, and there will always be challenges, but I have a great support system and people who love me and want to see me succeed.
Putting Down the Drink
Drinking every day was not going to last. My daughter isn’t little anymore, and now that she‘s growing up, she’s aware of my behavior and knows when I act differently. Relapses were a part of my story and my struggle, but to be a good mom, I’ve got to be a SOBER mom.
My trauma is not her cross to bear. I have to be a better version of me so I can be a better version for her. I have to take tackle my inner demons and get my shit together.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with responsible drinking. Many people drink around their kids at social gatherings or holidays, but my affliction warrants that we don’t have alcohol around anymore, and that’s okay, too. Parenting is hard. Motherhood is hard. We all do the best we can. I do the best I can.